One flew over the selectors desk

Fans always wonder what is going through the selectors minds when they are putting their collective heads together to select a team which they think will best represent the country. Lately, the Australian selectors have come under fire for not doing this to a competent level and I thought, an insight into how their thought processes worked for the picking of the third Ashes test, which will be taking place at the WACA. Enjoy.

We open on a room not much larger than the meeting room in your office, scattered around the table is various newspapers from around Australia and all sorts of beer (for Boonie) and Wine set out. Four men enter the room and sit in the four empty chairs, with a grey haired gentlemen sitting at the head calling the meeting to order.

Andrew Hilditch: Welcome gentlemen, I know Adelaide didn’t go how we planned, after the massive innings defeat to England. I’ll open the floor for suggestions for who to replace, keeping in mind Simon Katich is injured.

Jamie Cox: Well, first I think that loss at Adelaide was a fluke and I don’t think England will play that well again in this series.

Greg Chappell: A fluke? They’ve amassed over 1000 runs for the loss of six wickets, there is something wrong with the current team and there needs to be changes!

David Boon: With all due respect Greg, I inspected the pitches before day 1 and they were flat as a tack, even spilling my beer or kicking up some portions didn’t help, so I agree with Jamie, we need to show faith in the eleven we selected.

Andrew Hilditch: All valid points fellas but we do need someone to replace Simon.

Jamie Cox: How about that kid from NSW, with the strange stance? Phillip someone?

Greg Chappell: Hughes, he hasn’t been setting things on fire in the domestic season for NSW, only averaging mid 20s also remember England were the ones who sorted him out with the bouncer.

David Boon: Who cares, this isn’t England, it’s Australia *takes a sip of beer* the pitches are bouncier and Phillip will know them better, so I say we get him in.

Jamie Cox: Plus who else is there? Phil Jacques is too old and Punter has said he doesn’t like him because he freaks out Mitchell and I refuse to pick someone from Victoria, so Phil it is.

Andrew Hilditch: Ok, now that is settled. The newspapers have been calling for the sacking of North, due to his failures at Adelaide. I think this is duly unfair, Marcus is an integral part of the team and his form will turn soon enough but we should placate them and see if there is anyone better.

Jamie Cox: Vultures aren’t they, poor Marcus has gone out there and tried his heart out for Australia and they have the nerve to question him but I asked Marcus for a flat white coffee during the second innings and he made it black, forgetting the milk so I say drop him for someone who makes a proper coffee. I always liked that yappy kid from NSW Steven Smith.

Greg Chappell: That is a load of rubbish Jamie, Marcus should have been dropped a long time ago but I don’t think Steven is the answer, [Usman] Khawaja and [Callum] Ferguson have been making consistent runs for their state sides and I would be leaning towards picking one of them.

David Boon: Usman Khawaja? Are you mad Greg, sure he may have runs but every time I’ve had a chat to him in the locker room, he’s never had a beer in his hand or made a lewd joke about a teammates wife, so he’s out and Ferguson is from South Australia that is bad enough to rule him out.

Andrew Hilditch: Umm David, I’m from South Australia but yes yes you’re right, I’ll scratch both their names off the list, so Steven Smith it is.

Andrew Hilditch: Next is the bowlers, like Greg alluded to earlier they have leaked more runs than a leaky faucet in an inner city apartment in Sydney, so how do we fix this?

Jamie Cox: Well I think we were a bit harsh about dropping Mitchell Johnson, Ricky wasn’t happy and sent a strongly worded text last night. So I think he’s back in for uhmm Bollinger who frankly scares everyone in the dressing room.

Greg Chappell: Serious? Johnson hasn’t played any cricket since he was dropped after Brisbane, why do you think he would have got any better to play in Perth, it’s ludicrous. I think we should keep the bowling unit stable and see if they can deliver at Perth.

David Boon: I’ve gotta disagree Greg, Mitchell has a great moustache and the team needs more of them I say. Doug though refused to grow one when I asked him too and that is basis enough to drop him, we’re also lacking in Tasmanians so bring back Ben Hilfenhaus

Andrew Hilditch: Ok, I’ll get my secretary to phone Doug later tonight. What about Xavier Doherty, Ricky has stated he wasn’t pleased that he didn’t listen to his plans and ignored his request to sing the X men theme, so what spinners do we have?

David Boon *ordering a drink* Beer please hun

Andrew Hilditch: Genius David! Michael Beer from Western Australia, England will never suspect that and will be confused.

Greg Chappell: You can’t be serious, he’s only played five first class games! What about Hauritz?

Jamie Cox: I never liked him, he looks too much like a child also whinged when I wouldn’t let him watch his stories in the lunch room.

Andrew Hilditch: Well that settles it gentlemen, that is the team for Perth. I’ll call a press conference soon to announce it and then we’re off to have a long lunch paid for by Cricket Australia. Meeting adjourned.

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